"Police are still trying to identify the mysterious knight who, early this morning was shot to death when he stampeded into number 135 of the Enchanted Forest bawling "I will save you" while brandishing a Toledan, 32 inch sword. According to the official report, the owner of the property, a woman who goes by the name of Snow White, feared for her life and that of the seven elderly, growth-impaired, men under her care and acted in self defense. In an exclusive interview to this channel, Snow White has revealed some details of the attack:
'I saw a man galloping towards the front door wielding a sword and I reacted automatically. I reached for the twelve gauge we keep in the corner, aimed at his head and fired twice.' - the poor woman stated in tears.
'The victim was completely disfigured and dental records are useless, we will have to use DNA to identify the body. It is not confirmed, but we suspect this might be your Royal Highness Prince Charming, a knight who was seen entering the woods claiming he had to save Ms. White. Apparently, he hadn't received the memo that the Wicked Witch's flight out of Boca was delayed due to a hurricane and she wouldn't be able to make it until next week.' - The police chief revealed.
This incident resembles the case just last week where Sleeping Beauty had to blind an assailant with pepper-spray when she was sexually assaulted while napping. Fortunately, her three fairy godmothers turned the rapist into a pile of dust before he could recover his sight, but it was another close call for one of the most beautiful maidens in the kingdom. The last of these women, Cinderella has testified today regarding her assaulter's apparent foot fetish in the case brought against him (an anonymous member of the royal family) for sexual harassment.
This epidemic of bad timing has forced the Happily Ever After Association to file for bankruptcy this morning while the recruitment centers for the Shining Armor Brigade are completely empty. The national census shows an alarming 85% of the population is made up of women and this year marked a new record number of vasectomies."
______________________
Why is it so damn hard? Or rather, why is Murphy such a freaking sadist??? I mean, as if "whatever can go wrong will go wrong" wasn't hard enough, now we have "whatever can go wrong will go wrong, unless of course by making it go right we can screw you over even harder." Apparently, now we, as in a murder trial, must have the means, motive AND opportunity to be successful in a relationship...any parallelisms here?
It is not enough to be passionately in love and try our hardest, but we have to get the timing right. My last relationship was with a guy who 'loved' me to death yet could not bring himself to leave his girlfriend or accept his bisexuality. Less than a year after we broke up he had come out of the closet, dumped the girlfriend and was dating a Thai flight attendant... apparently, I missed my enter cue by about a year early. Another candidate came about not soon after I had banged my head against the wall a couple thousand times for things not working out with this guy. In this case, I had missed my enter cue by about a year LATE, since he was available, smart, attractive, but I am less than two weeks away from leaving the country. Again, Murphy and God must be sharing a bucket of popcorn the size of the Coliseum (and not even getting fat) while watching the show: namely, us.
What's even more ironic, I'm willing to bet that those people who actually got the timing right face a heart-attack or bus-driving-over-your-anti-Murphy-ass related death probability of about 5000% compared to those who didn't.
Grumpy mood? Perhaps, I think it's because even though I spend most of the day thinking about what I could write, I ALWAYS get my best ideas just at that moment when my head sinks into the pillow and I start snoring lightly...gotta love Murphy.
No comments:
Post a Comment